A green monster from my past.

Jealousy is something I struggle with from time to time.  Maybe we all do, or maybe it's just that the way I lived my life previously hasn't always led me to a place where I live confidently today.  My history of mistakes awakens like a green monster peering out of the closet after dark, reminding me that I haven't always been the person I am today.  
Today the giant didn't wait until dark.  It actually made a quick appearance a few days ago, and has been stalking me until this afternoon.  It seemed to want to claim all my attention and bring me into the darkest parts of my soul.  
It isn't the actions of someone else, it is the actions of my own past that cause me to doubt my situations, the one that I love, and the truth of the rock I build my home upon.  


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 
Proverbs 3:5-6


For years and years I have justified my own insecurities with excuses of experiences past.  Today I realized my understanding is nothing in comparison to what the Lord has planned for me.  He knows my history and loves me anyway.  He's forgiven me and given me an opportunity to be cleansed, white as snow, whole again as if I'd never suffered the consequence of having been a servant to myself.  




Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4


How great is our God, that He is able to know our heart even before we are?  He knew that I was going to suffer through these thoughts today and he brought me these verses years ago, knowing that today I would finally understand them.  I cannot go on being angry and defensive if I am going to delight myself in the Lord.  I cannot do both at once. 


If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also.  If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.
John 12:26


How profound to realize that we must give it all up and follow Him.  Why would we want to carry along all the luggage that has made us imperfect anyway?  He's forgiven me, I've no need to remember the person I was before, or to try to justify my judgement on others because I think I know their heart.  


But he was wounded for our transgressions;  he was crushed for our iniquities;  upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5


I have heard that when we continue to live according to the sins we've committed before we accepted the gift of grace, we are breaking our Lord's heart.  He has removed that part of us, and if we continue to hang on to it, it is as though we do not trust that He can truly rid us of that which has kept us from Him.  

Thank you Lord.  
You brought these verses to me over 20 years ago, and today reminded me of them, knowing that I would need them.  How amazing is your love for me.  I've never known one like You Father.  Thank you for taking my grief away today.  Lord help me on these days, You know the ones,  to desire You rather than entertain the doubts that satan lays all around me.  I cannot rest assured in the knowledge of my mistakes, but only in the knowledge of Your gift of grace and all of the mercies that you bestow upon me.  How I love you Lord!  How I want to be the one that You desire that I be!  Please continue the work you started in me God.  I want to be the wife, the mother, and the living example you seek that I be.    Forgive me Heavenly Father for not seeking you out sooner.  I took you for granted all of those years that I spent serving myself, and how I wish I could go back and do them all again, with Your will as my foundation.  I know that you use all things for Your glory Lord.  Please use me, in even and especially the situations where I seem to struggle to breathe let alone serve you, and let there be power in my suffering and struggles.  I love you.
T~